This is the very reason I want to be a Highway Bandit. I don’t have to follow stupid laws of things like “Parley” and “Public Intoxication/Nudity”. I make money with no drawbacks (except running from the coppers) and I can do whatever the hell I want. If they don’t like it I’ll stab them with one of these.

Which is also very useful if you’re Grazing. For those that don’t know, Grazing is when you’re in the grocery store and you see people near the grapes deciding which bag they want by eating a couple of them or when no ones around they’ll take drinks of stuff in the coolers. Well, I used to be okay with that. No more.

This morning I stumbled upon the yogurt drinks in my fridge which from time to time I consume with a fruity glee usually kept in a dark closet all by itself, but not today. Lighter than usual bottle, cap didn’t require force to come off, but none of these clicked until I realized what “Don’t Drink and Drive” really means. I practically projectile vomited all over the steering wheel and crashed into the flying Monkey Gods pursuing my newly purchased car battery after tasting this decrepit already-half-gone-rotgut of a yogurt drink.

In any case, I’m chasing down grazers in local grocery stores and anally pentrating them with pinapples while making pterodactyl noises, that’ll show them to mess with my mornings! They probably say shit like “parley” too. Fuckers.

I don’t think I know it all, but my world tends to be very small at times. Right now, everything means just the things that are bothering me right now. And there’s a lot.

Think about this though, how many times do you answer “I don’t know” to a question? And when you do, how many of those times you say it only to get out of answering the question? Try this next time instead of saying I don’t know to get out of answering, answer with the most insane response possible. But here’s the key, stick with it as long as possible.

Someone asked me why the battery in my truck was dead yesterday, to this very moment all they know is that apparently, there’s a group of Monkey Gods from Nova Scotia roaming North Georgia sucking the power out of car batteries to sustain themselves, and I was their first victim.

Yeah he’s pissed, but “I don’t know” just got too boring for me. Oh, and Splenda is what Satan uses to salt wounds in Hell. Yeah, that’s right. Splenda. Scary isn’t it?

Saying that I have a “want to know” outlook on life seems like an admirable trait until you find that I want to know if I could’ve survived running my truck off the road or into oncoming traffic this morning or if groping the girl in front of me in line at Taco Bell would’ve pissed her off or turned her on (both?).

I just want to test my luck. Some people like to do it the easy way like Playing the lottery and Gambling, but I’m looking for something with more of an all or nothing outcome. I just want to be the underdog, and who gives a fuck if I’m histrionic if I can have fun with it. If I had multiple personalities this one would use them all to fuck with people to no end. Wouldn’t you?

Get it?

Well, if you do then you can see where this is heading, and that’s where I’ll keep going.

Whether you like or you don’t let me know what you think. I’m all about pissing people off but without the reaction, the action is pointless.